Yaozi
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Chapter 5 » Lingering Dream
Author︰Shen Yaozi
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'She' bid farewell to the abbot and immediately took a carriage back home. As soon as 'she' returned to her room, 'she' eagerly opened the letter to read it. 'She' read it with great care, even scrutinizing every character and stroke, as if 'she' could sense the hidden meaning behind 'his' words. Yet, 'she' still couldn't understand the true reason for 'his' departure.

'His' absence did not fade from 'her' memory; instead, longing grew wildly in 'her' heart like vines. At first, 'her' life felt as though something had been torn away, leaving it hollow and unmoored. 'She' often sat by the window, gazing at the distant Yunlong Mountain, imagining 'his' gentle smile in the clinic or 'his' profile as 'he' brewed tea in the pavilion. In the quiet of the night, 'she' would frequently dream of 'him', sometimes 'he' was treating patients in the east wing, other times 'he' stood beneath the temple's grand archway, turning back to smile at 'her'. Upon waking, 'she' would sometimes feel, in a daze, that today was the day to meet 'him' at Xinghua Temple, even rising to straighten 'her' clothes, only to slump back onto the bed upon realizing 'he' was already gone.

This longing did not diminish with time but grew even more intense. 'She' even sent servants to search for 'him' everywhere, from Xuzhou to neighboring counties, as far as Mount Wutai—yet no trace of 'him' was ever found. Only after a year or two did 'she' gradually give up the thought of finding 'him'.

'She' often reflected on everything that had happened since meeting 'him', and in hindsight, it all seemed so beyond reason and utterly unbelievable! From the very beginning, 'his' attitude toward 'her' had been so warm and natural, as if 'he' had known 'her' all along, and 'she', too, had felt an inexplicable, indescribable familiarity with 'him'. 'She' became convinced that 'she' and 'he' must have shared an unforgettable connection in a past life. But why didn't 'he' tell 'her'? And why did 'he' leave without a word? These were the questions buried deep in 'her' heart, lingering unresolved for so long.

Though 'he' and 'she' had only spent a few short months together, the knowledge 'he' had imparted to 'her' gradually took root, grew, and flourished in 'her' heart, quietly shaking 'her' old worldview and values. Before 'his' departure, 'he' might not have noticed—but after 'he' left, given time to settle and ferment, those teachings had grown into 'her' faith in 'him', profoundly influencing 'her' life and choices, transforming 'her' existence entirely.

'She' felt as though a tear had opened in 'her' sky, letting in a brilliant, dazzling light. Through that gap, 'she' could glimpse a far vaster world. The certainty of the cycle of life and death and the illusory nature of all phenomena elevated 'her' understanding of the world to a higher plane. The brevity of life and worldly trivialities gradually seemed insignificant in 'her' eyes. 'She' felt as though 'she' had broken free from a narrow cocoon, 'her' heart finally unburdened. Only then did 'she' understand the meaning behind 'his' words: "You might no longer fit into this society." Indeed, 'she' now found the routines of human life utterly mundane and pale.

Even years after 'his' departure, 'his' shadow remained buried deep in 'her' heart, and this emotion gradually transformed into a deeper yearning—'she' wanted to get closer to 'him'! 'She' began to believe that if 'she' could elevate 'herself' through spiritual practice, perhaps one day, 'she' might meet 'him' in another dimension.

'Her' parents were devout Buddhists and quite open-minded, yet at first, they disapproved of 'her' decision. The social norms of the time also frowned upon young women making such unconventional choices. But none of this could withstand 'her' determination and conviction. In the end, those around 'her' had no choice but to unconditionally support 'her' decision. From then on, 'she' devoted 'herself' to spiritual practice and scripture study, maintaining a lifelong vegetarian diet and never marrying.

'She' lived without illness or distress into 'her' sixties, until 'her' joints grew too weak to walk, and 'her' family arranged for a maid to care for 'her'. 'She' could only sit up to eat before lying back down, confined mostly to bed—yet even so, 'she' faced it with serenity.

On that day, 'her' body was utterly exhausted. Sensing the time was near, 'she' told the maid not to prepare any more meals. Lying in bed, 'she' waited, accompanied by 'his' past words and the memories of their time together. Clutching the pure white sarira 'he' had given 'her', 'she' reminisced about their shared past, tears glistening at the corners of 'her' eyes. 'She' believed 'she' would meet 'him' again. In that hazy moment, 'she' smiled and passed into eternal slumber—'her' departure extraordinarily peaceful, without a trace of fear or unease, as if 'she' were merely sleeping, to wake again tomorrow.

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